@ChrisStokdyk: Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, "My God, I look like a pillow" ? If so, that's not a mirror - it's your pillow.
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@bombsydoll: [at dentist office] Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn't supposed to undress first
@Zombieionism: Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
@drewtoothpaste: [VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
@Wine_Honey1: Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won't talk to you.
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