Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I only eat vegetarians.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The human personality is made of five key elements
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.