“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
me as a parent
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.