Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
WHO DID THIS?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock