Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.