Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Cucumbers Anonymous
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter