If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.