My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating