do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
just got my engagement photos
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?