When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
technically true but not a great slogan
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉