The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Children of the corn 🌽
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
those birds must be on payroll
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.