Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.