Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
🤣🤣🤣
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.