“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Every house has this drawer
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.