“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
You Might Also Like
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*