Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
bias laundering edition
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Become a minion. Get that bread.