– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one