– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie