Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare