Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD