Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Breaking news:
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”