Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
How all things should be taught/explained.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein