“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Not all heroes wear capes.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature