I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
my mind
You just read my mind
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.