Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.