Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.