Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Saw your ex at the shops
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed