“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!