“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.