@rachelle_mandik: Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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@PaperWash: GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing *i dance beautifully for 12 minutes* GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@kiel_phillips: JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.