Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak