Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.