Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You Might Also Like
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock