Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??