Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Always 🥴
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it