Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
This has made my week.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
❤️🦆
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.