To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
an airline just for babies.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.