A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
You Might Also Like
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Yup
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.