[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy