“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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I love the National Park Service.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.