“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
You Might Also Like
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Twitter fine art
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.