@omgthatspunny: Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small
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@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
@Jake_Vig: The pottery scene in "Ghost," except you're slowly but steadily pushing the other person's face into the clay.
@sarcasm_inc: *The Terminator opens a fortune cookie. "It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way." John: I know it doesn't say that.
@brianbowman73: Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?