Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no