Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
What?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now