Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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everyone’s a critic
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Some people were born into their job.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
🔦🌙👣
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real