Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You wish you had this many chins.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.