Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today