“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When you kidnap a writer.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
oh my gosh!!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.