“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Don’t forget to tip your server
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’d hang this in my house.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.