Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
happy valentine’s day to me
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?